


50 Ways the Enterprise Crew is Not Normal and Other Tales

by Kereea



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Multi, this crew is weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You thought this ship was normal? You thought wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Dr. Marius" refers to Carol Marcus, as she was called "Dr. Marius" at the end of Into Darkness presumably out of wishing to shed the family name.

  1. Bridge officers commonly exchange physical contact for seemingly meaningless reasons. Examples include the ruffling of Chekov’s hair, Uhura and Kirk bumping fists, Spock clapping the captain on the shoulder, Marius hugging people…
  2. The Communications officer preparers people for diplomatic missions by only speaking in the language of the people to be encountered. No exceptions. Yes, she speaks Klingon.
  3. When asked, no one, not even Dr. Marius, can state her exact position on the ship. Usually people just go with “weapons expert who makes sure no one blows themselves up between times of combat” but the brass tend to frown on that one.
  4. They have sandwiches programmed into the replicators. More than just Mr. Scott have taken to using that setting as well.
  5. There are several panels on board reprogramed to understand thick Russian and Scottish accents.
  6. The ship’s CMO can and will drag the captain by the ear if he deems it necessary.
  7. The ship’s first officer will nerve pinch the captain if he deems it necessary.
  8. The regimen of de-stressing actives for crew members includes blanket forts and fencing lessons.
  9. Everyone on board is fine with agreeing that non-Russian things were invented in Russia. As well as non-Earth things.
  10. The captain and pilot have been known to essentially play musical chairs with the captain’s chair.
  11. Half the crew takes “off duty” to mean “be ready, we might need you in fifteen minutes anyway”.
  12. The CMO has a fake certificate on his wall, done in crayon, certifying him to perform “torpedo surgery” signed by Joanna McCoy and Carol Marius.
  13. The captain is somehow commonly invited to girls’ nights out.
  14. The pilot and navigator’s quarters are 50% plant, 30% book, 20% storage, and 10% beds.
  15. There is in fact a difference between chess and “chess”. The latter involves three members of the bridge crew gone for a few hours.
  16. There are regulations for allowed hairstyles in engineering ever since Mr. Keenser set the Communication’s Officer’s ponytail on fire.
  17. There is a beagle running around the ship unsupervised.
  18. No one onboard is in fact willing to supervise the beagle, either.
  19. The captain’s chair has minor dents in the base from the First Officer kicking it whenever the Captain begins to fail at diplomacy.
  20. Lt. Galia is banned from being within ten feet of the ship’s tribbles ever again.
  21. The navigator must be supervised on shore leave due to being a minor.
  22. The CMO has been banned from ever using metaphors while standing on the bridge.
  23. Or sitting on the bridge.
  24. Or the transporter room.
  25. How about just anywhere but med bay or residence areas?
  26. The captain must be either tricked or forcibly dragged in order to make his check-ups with medical on time.
  27. The captain must run all plans for First Contact by the First officer, CO, CMO, or preferably a combination of the three, after the “crazy ex-girlfriend” incident.
  28. The captain is the person on the ship holding the honor of “most often kidnapped”.
  29. The navigator has been micro chipped since his level of “adorable” has led to almost as many kidnappings as the captain.
  30. Should the seven year old known as Joanna McCoy be on board, Mr. Keenser can be found playing dress up left of the Jefferies Tubes.
  31. The captain has a list of crew members he authorizes to “kick ass at their own discretion” despite the fact that he is not on the list himself.
  32. Despite being formally trained in combat, the captain is commonly noted to have “gotten his ass kicked”.
  33. The Captain, First Officer, and Communications Officer rarely leave the ship for shore leave.
  34. Mr. Scott rarely leave the ship, period.
  35. Disrespecting or threatening female personnel commonly leads to the male personnel starting bets on how long until she somehow kicks your ass.
  36. In regards to the former, Lt. Uhura has never exceeded more than four days.
  37. Lt. Galia has yet to manage more than five hours.
  38. Dr. Marius once rewired an explosive while being held captive by Klingons, and the crew was not shocked.
  39. Dr. Spock once beat up several of those same Klingons, and again the crew was not shocked.
  40. Lt. Uhura and Ensign Chekov both took out one Klingon each, and yet again the crew was not shocked.
  41. The captain also beat two of the Klingons and sustained no injuries, and everyone was shocked.
  42. The captain has ordered that no one but Dr. McCoy can run betting rings on what his next injury will be.
  43. Dr. Spock and Mr. Keenser keep winning the allowed rings.
  44. The CO commonly remind everyone that just because she can teach them basic Klingon does not mean they can prank call the Starfleet brass in it.
  45. The food replicators will only ever contain programs for scotch or vodka, never both. Which it is depends on whether ensign Chekov or Mr. Scott got to it last.
  46. They have guidelines for “babysitting ambassadors”. Thus far the only ambassadors this does not apply to is Dr. Spock’s father and Ambassador Selek.
  47. There are signs in the halls reminding the crew not to antagonize Klingons.
  48. Or “have moments”  in front of Klingons as they are notorious moment-killers.
  49. It is perfectly reasonable for anyone on the bridge to be given control of the ship at any given time.
  50. Even Ensign Chekov, though that was an emergency involving Romulans, experimental weaponry, and Lt. Uhura’s father which the crew insists will not be repeated.




	2. Enterprise Dictionary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unknown to most of Starfleet, the crew of the USS Enterprise says things that don’t mean the same thing when other people say them.

**Accident** : That thing that happens every four days or so that inconveniences all of us, usually at the hands of the captain, Mr. Scott, Ensign Chekov, or once in a while a yeoman. Or at nobody’s hands but we like to have someone to blame.

**Away Mission** : New way to endanger our lives for the sake of the Federation. Or for no benefit to the Federation.

**Bar** : Noun. The place were some member of the crew will get into a fight on shore leave.

**Bail** : Verb. The action to be undertaken after the incidents at the bar.

**Captain** : Noun. Person on the ship most likely to be injured or kidnapped.

**Checkup** : Noun. The captain’s apparent worst fear. Verb. An action Dr. McCoy insists is not torture but sure feels like it.

**Chess** : Noun. 1) A game commonly played by over fifty crew members, including the captain and first officer. 2) The captain, first officer, and communications officer’s usual version of a date night.

**Choke** : Verb. An action never to be mentioned in the vicinity of the First Officer. Totally allowed to be mentioned around the captain, who thinks it’s funny.

**Combat Situation** : Noun. Code for “the people the Federation thought would be friendly are not and now want to kill us for some really stupid reason”. Usually results with the captain or first officer in sick bay.

**Darlin’** : Modifier. Used by Dr. McCoy to anyone he wants to calm the hell down.

**Drink** : Verb. The consumption of any alcoholic liquid you are not supposed to have. Especially if you are Ensign Chekov.

**Engineering** : Noun and Verb. Magic done by Montgomery Scott, Mr. Keenser, and a lot of other people in red shirts.

**Fencing** : Noun. A very legitimate combat art that Mr. Sulu can and will hand you your ass at while grinning. Verb. The action of Mr. Sulu handing an opponent their ass.

**First Officer** : Noun. Person most likely to point out how the captain is screwing up in the most respectful way possible.

**Hostile** : Adjective. Probably angered by something very minor we did that makes absolutely no sense. Or Klingons. Or that Harrison guy.

**Hour** : Noun. If given as a time estimate for urgent repairs, convert to minutes. If given as a time estimate for an excursion, convert to days. If given as an estimation of sleep, divide by six.

**Hypo** : Verb: Dr. McCoy assaulting someone with a syringe of medication for their own good. Common victims are the captain, first officer, and various engineers. He only wants you to think it’s a noun.

**Illogical** : Adjective. Everything the captain does at any given time. And sometimes things people who are not the captain do.

**Impossible** : Adjective. Describes anything major the crew does on missions, apparently.

**Lady** : Noun. Any female on the ship who outranks you and/or can beat you up. That is to say almost all of them.

**Logical** : Adjective. 1) Option least likely to result in death at this moment. 2) Something Mr. Spock would prefer to happen. 3) The go-to descriptor for the reltionship of the Captain, FO, and CO.

**Red** : Noun. Excluding for Lt. Uhura and Mr. Scott, who rarely go on away missions, this is the color of death.

**Regulation** : Noun. 1) Some vague thing Mr. Spock often bring up but often gets ignored, except in the rare cases where the captain has not already realized that regulations will get them all killed. 2) Rules thought up by Starfleet to get us all killed.

**Russian** : Adjective. Can be applied to anything in the presence of Pavel Chekov. Including about Pavel Chekov, who seems happily surprised someone noticed.

**Sass** : Noun. Something the entire bridge crew is capable of, despite the first officer’s constant denials.

**Security** : Noun. People most likely to die. Seemingly have less security training than half the bridge crew.

**Sleep** : Verb. An action the crew tends to be incapable of doing any more than the bare minimum of. Consult the CMO if it starts affecting your work.

**Torpedo Surgery** : Noun: 1) Anything Dr. McCoy has been asked to do that leads to him reminding people that he is a doctor, not something else. 2) That thing Dr. McCoy did that was awesome with torpedoes seventy-two times and will hypo you if you bring it up.

**Universal Translator** : Noun. Device meant to render all languages comprehendible, has a bad habit of not working like it should leaving Lt. Uhura to pick up the slack and give the crew lessons in Klingon.


	3. Enterpise Alphabet A-M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alphabetic drabbles of the Enterprise part 1/2

**A is for Ambassador**

 While Spock was fairly certain that Nyota was doing her best to keep translations from the captain tactful, he was frankly with Jim in feeling that the Aurasian Ambassador was being a “jackass” by this point and frankly wished the man would be informed of it as soon as possible.

 On the other hand, watching Jim casually give the man backhanded insult after insult was rather gratifying all the same.

**B is for Beagle**

 “Nobody wants the damn dog?” McCoy sighed. The beagle had been running around the ship for months, Admiral Archer having perished in Khan’s attack on Starfleet HQ and the crew unwilling to get rid of it. “Screw it, her name is Lassie and she’s sickbay’s new therapy animal.”

**C is for Communications**

 Spock patted Uhura on the shoulder, not even needing the contact to pick up on her rage. Jim was on her other side, letting her lean on him while he typed on a PADD. While Spock only saw a few fragments of code, he was fairly certain that Jim was making it so the member of the brass who had dismissed Uhura as a “telephone operator in space” was going to have a very time reading his mail for months to come.

 “Uhura, two languages almost nobody knows.”

 “Klingon and Abraxian.”

 “Got it. Have to make sure he can’t just run it through a translator.”

  Uhura started giggling. Spock assumed that meant things would be just fine.

**D is for Dead**

 Frankly Jim liked Spock’s hovering better than Uhura’s reaction to his return from the dead. In order, she’d hugged him, smacked him, kissed him, and started yelling. Then again, going by Spock’s expression, the Vulcan totally agreed with her and was glad someone was voicing his concerns about Jim’s health.

 Suddenly he really wanted to go work on his speech for the memorial instead of handle his boyfriend and girlfriend right now.

**E is for Ensign**

 “I’m just wondering why an Ensign is the chief navigator,” the admiral said.

 “Starfleet regulations prevent anyone under the age of twenty from being given the rank of lieutenant or higher,” Spock replied. “Were that regulation not in place, we certainly would have promoted Mr. Chekov by now.”

 Going by the look the Admiral was giving Spock, Kirk guessed that wasn’t it.

**F is for Fire**

 “Now, explain it to me again,” Scotty said, examining the offending replicator.

 “Well, I was ordering vodka because Chekov told me it tasted good and I wanted to try it,” Sulu defended.

 “And the vodka caught on fire and burned half the mess hall’s replicators.”

 “I guess,” Sulu said. “Not sure why, though…”

 “Mr. Sulu, you realize that I no longer have a way of getting my sandwiches because you didn’t think to ask your boyfriend to just give you some of his hidden stash, right?”

 “…Maybe?”

**G is for Grenade**

  “Remind me who thought that was a good idea?” McCoy demanded.

 Marius and Ensign Ferguson raised their hands.

 “I’m going to put you two on suicide watch for this! Honestly, you realize we accidentally picked up a weapon from a prewar would and just decide to dissect it? And Dr. Marius, how did you not know what it was?”

 “You’d be shocked how inaccurate history book pictures of grenades are when compared with improvised  versions,” Carol said dryly. “And besides, it barely blew up at all.”

 “She has a point. I mean, no one’s dead and we’re just burned a bit,” Ferguson added, only to whimper at the glare McCoy shot him.

 “Captain, this is the CMO. What is the adequate punishment for crewmembers being idiots and hurting themselves?”

 “Bones, leave me out of this!”

**H is for Hilarious**

 Spock entered his quarters to find Nyota and Jim laughing over something on the computer. Intrigued, he walked over to look.

 “Truly impressive display of ingenuity by the snake.”

 Nyota and Jim glanced at him, looked at each other, and started laughing again.

 While he found it fascinating, Spock simply did not see the humor in a large yellow snake opening a door.

**I is for Immunization**

 “Jim, I’m starting to think you and vaccines don’t like each other.”

 “I can tell you I don’t like them, Bones!” Jim shouted. “How did a flu shot give me chicken pox?”

 “It’s not chicken pox Jim, just an itchy rash,” McCoy said, reviewing the vaccine.

 “Close enough!”

 “Hardly,” McCoy retorted. “What the…I’m going to kill the supplier, Jim. I told them to send some vaccines without the high terraxium content!”

**J is for Johanna**

 “So Dad looked really freaked out and told me to come play with Mr. Keenser,” Joanna explained.

 “Well, most fathers don’t want their daughter so see them perform minor surgery,” Carol assured the child. “What colors should we use on the certificate?”

 “Blue!” Joanna said.

 “Green,” Keenser added.

 “All right. No, Joanna, here’s how you spell torpedo,” Carol said.

**K is for Klingons**

 “Does anyone know why they started shooting at us?” Kirk asked.

 “Sir, they’re Klingons,” Lieutenant Smith said. “I don’t think they really had a reason in mind.”

 “Uhura, what reason do you think they’re going to give for firing on us?” Kirk rephrased.

 “I’m going over all the reasons Klingons have acted in a hostile manner towards Starfleet before, and the closest I have is that we came out of hyperspace too close,” Uhura said.

 “And does Starfleet recognize that reason?”

 “It depends on how close we were to them,” Spock said.

 “Fine. We’ll take a break and let Scotty and the engineers see if there’s any Klingon ship paint on us. But frankly I think Sulu’s a better pilot than that,” Kirk said.

 “Captain, I doubt that is what Starfleet means by too close,” Spock said.

 “Works just fine in Iowa,” Kirk replied, shrugging.

**L is for Limp**

 “Third time this month, Jim! Third time!” McCoy snapped as Spock helped Jim into shickbay. Right behind them Carol and Chekov were half-carrying Sulu, who frankly looked worse, which Jim quickly pointed out.

 “Sulu’s worse.”

 “Sulu doesn’t do this every other week! Or less than that!” Bones snapped. “Okay, one, you’re staying off that leg for a week. I don’t care if it’s crutches or Spock or Uhura helping you, you put any weight on hat foot and I’ll go for the old Terran method of a full leg cast!”

 Kirk sulked. Carol helpfully picked up Lassie the therapy beagle and passed her over.

**M is for Meld**

 “May I ask you a question, Mr. Spock?”

 “You may,” Spock said to McCoy.

 “When you did your telepathy thing planet-side, you asked me something.”

 “I asked permission, if you recall.”

 “Why?” McCoy asked.

 “It is considered rude to meld without consent.”

 “Last time I checked, Mr. Spock, you have yet to ask Jim.”

 While McCoy had expected a reaction from Spock, and received on in the form of an eyebrow twitch, he did not expect Jim to make a brief choking noise and Uhura to blush slightly and snicker. “You know what Spock? Changed my mind—I don’t want to know!”


	4. Enterpise Alphabet N-Z

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second half! And I feel I only cheated on Z! Yay me! Oh, and V and W are connected.

**N is for Narada**

 The anniversary of the Narada incident was hard on the crew for the first year. Spock’s solution was to lock himself in his room for the day, Chekov became extra jumpy, and Kirk used to phone Pike for very long talks.

 Now lacking a Christopher Pike, Jim was instead playing 2D chess with Uhura while Spock meditated. “Miss him.”

 “One can see why,” Uhura said, torn between a rook and a knight to take Jim’s bishop and knowing he had a plan if she used the wrong one. Or maybe even the “right” one.. “We all miss people we lost.”

 The air was tense between them all, yet allowing them to take comfort in the fact that the other two were still there, no matter what else.

**O is for Orion**

 “Do I have slave written on my forehead or something? I go to a damn bar and-”

 “Galia, sit down, the drug that’s disorientating you hasn’t metabolized yet,” McCoy said.

  Galia yanked off her hospital gown, forcing McCoy to stare at the ceiling while a nurse ran over with a bed sheet. “See? Does it say slave anywhere? Any-damn-where? Or maybe blow up doll?”

 “No, just a nice orchid tattoo on your hip,” the nurse choked.

 “Galia, those asses at the bar were reacting to a very rude and ill-informed stereotypes,” McCoy said. “They have been dealt with.”

 “Hell yeah! I saw Uhura kick that dick in the dick!” Galia giggled. “And then Spock and Kirk did that nerve-pinch-face-punch thingy…and Carrie threatened to shoot that guy…”

 “How long until the drug wears off?” the nurse asked.

 “Hopefully by morning,” McCoy replied.

**P is for Pig**

 “That is adorable,” Sulu admitted.

 “Ya, mama vas not so sure it vould make a good pet, but papa said it vould,” Chekov agreed.

 “Hey, my folks would just eat the thing,” Sulu said as they flipped through the pictures of Chekov’s parents and their new pet miniature pig. “Your mom knit a lot?”

 “Ya. She used to make costumes for my aunt’s dog. Now she makes them for Alexis,” Chekov said.

 “Cool.”

**Q is for Queen**

 “You know, most people don’t last long after they lose the queen,” Uhura noted. “But you two both seem to do just fine.”

 “It comes from overreliance on the queen’s power,” Spock said. “For example, take a Klingon warship. They tend to have excellent guns, but once those are disabled, they are nearly crippled. One would assume they would branch out and look for other combat methods, but instead they focus on the main guns, as many chess players over-focus on the queen.”

 “Speaking of queens, give,” Kirk said, taking Spock’s with a rook.

 “I believe you have made an error, Jim.”

 “I believe you’re just worried you’re going to lose.”

 “I believe I’m in love with the two people in the galaxy who use chess as foreplay,” Uhura sighed.

 “Don’t worry,” Jim said. “There’s one queen we’ll never lose.”

 Spock nodded, “Affirmative.”

 “Aw, that so sweet. Jim, Spock just checked you.”

 “Damn it!”

**R is for Relaxation**

Keenser couldn’t help but grin as Scotty shooed the captain out of the Jefferies tubes again. Too bad Kirk was human sized, or Keenser would tell him about his hideaway behind a vent on level three.

**S is for Shuttle**

 “Hate these things,” McCoy grumbled as he belted himself in.

 “Then logically you should just allow Mr. Scott to beam you down,” Spock replied.

 “Jim, shut the hobgoblin up.”

 “Guys, trying to read a briefing here,” Kirk sighed. “You ladies okay?”

 “It’s like a sitcom but better!” Galia called from where she, Carol, and Uhura were buckled in.

 “Chekov?” Sulu asked quietly.

 “Yes?”

 “What are the odds Scotty’s modified this shuttle?”

 “Very high, ‘Karu.”

 “Okay, get the recorder. I was McCoy’s screams as blackmail.”

**T is for Tribbles**

 “You know, I’m surprised you got the brass to let you have these things on the ship,” Uhura said, petting one of McCoy’s “testers”.

 “They can survive almost any experimental drug while still allowing me to observe the side-effects,” McCoy said. “Plus, if Whitman there hadn’t decided to eat a syringe and die on us, we’d never have known how to save Jim.”

 “Whitman?” Uhura asked.

 “Yeah, named them all for writers I liked as a kid to tell them apart. Twain’s unusually smart for a Tribble, he actually gets that he has a name,” McCoy said.

 “All right, I get why you have them, but I’m still not sure how you convinced the higher-ups this wouldn’t be a problem,” Uhura said.

 “Tribbles exist to look cute, eat, and breed. They amp up the cute around beings they feel will feed them, as there’s something in their purr that makes people want to take care of them. I’m a doctor, I know feeding them too much will lead to issues, thus I am immune.”

 “…I think you may want to examine um…this one,” Uhura said weakly.

 “Damn it, Elliot’s always getting things out of people. Get over here you little bastard!”

**U if for Unattended Minor**

 “Now Jo, you do everything Ensign Luke tells you until you’re at the starbase, okay?” McCoy asked.

 “Yes Daddy.”

 “And then who will he introduce you to?”

 “Inta-stella Flight Attendant Lisa.”

 “Right, and she’ll be on both the ship and shuttle back to the airport where your mother is.”

 “Okay, Daddy. When do I get to come by again?”

 “Maybe six or seven months, if we’re within contact range,” McCoy said. “And what are you not telling mommy?”

 “That we got shot at by Klingons, you did open heart sur’gy and didn’t know I was watching, and I know Unca Jim is dating two people.”

 “Good girl,” McCoy said, sending her off with a hug.

 “Six months? Better than when we were at the Academy,” Jim noted.

 “Yeah, well, the board decided two epic world saving moments could be added to my good behavior as an estranged parent or something,” McCoy said.

 “Bones, Nurse Eesi has your shift. You have the rest of the day off.”

 “…Thanks Jim.”

**V is for Vulcan**

 “They’re worse than you when you’re pretending not to know what Jim or somebody’s actually talking about,” McCoy huffed.

 “That is likely because several of them have never been around humans before, whereas I only occasionally have to question human idioms,” Spock said. “Though I confess to still being confused on the ‘pig’s eye’ comment you made a few weeks ago.”

 “Southern thing. Doubt Jim knows it either,” McCoy said. “Now…why are you in here?”

 “I believe I mentioned I was feeling unwell.”

 “you’re fine, you bastard. If you’re making Uhura and Jim deal with those guys without you, especially if something about them bothers you, you know what you are?”

 “what, doctor?” spock asked, the guilt visible.

 “Worse than any human teenager I’ve ever met. Now get your ass out there and tell ‘em I called you to ask if those guys we’re ferrying had any special medical needs. Shoo!”

**W is for Wonderful**

 “Hey Spock,” Jim said brightly. Uhura, hidden from view for their visitors by Jim and Sulu, sent Spock a questioning look.

 “Hello captain. Dr. McCoy merely wished to ask if any of our guests required different medical treatment from his usual, should a problem occur.”

 “Problem?” Stonn asked.

 “You are on a federation ship and the Klingons are getting mighty trigger happy,” Sulu said. “Oh, there’s Chekov. Later.”

 “Later?” S’fau asked.

 “Human idiom, short for him saying he will see us later,” Uhura said primly, sitting on Spock’s left as the three remaining officers sat. Jim took the right. “Did you make any interesting discoveries on that science base?”

 “I am afraid it would bore you,” Stonn said. Spock made very sure not to look smug—that was an avoidance of a truthful admission, and Jim’s dealings with the Ambassador would surely alert him.

 “Well, I doubt it’d bore Spock, and besides, I’ve been very interested in any kinds of new power core tech,” Jim said, still smiling that smile that had infuriated Spock at Kobayashi Maru and relieved him at a hospital two years later.

 As the other three Vulcans silently conferred with one another, Uhura lightly tapped Spock’s hand under the table, just enough for him to catch her thoughts on the Vulcans attempting to explain little to no progress.

 ‘Spock, this is going to be _good_.’

**X is for Xeno-Exploration**

 “Don’t you just love it, Sulu?” Kirk asked, looking out the viewscreen. “Space. The expanse. The unknown?”

 “The unknown, Captain?” Sulu asked.

 “You know,” Kirk said, gesturing to the mostly-empty bridge. Graveyard shift. “New things to see. New planets to explore. New plants to find, in your case.”

 “And I’m sure that exploring at least half of those unknowns will land you in sickbay, sir.”

 “Sulu, you do realize that to get this chair again you also have to incapacitate Spock and Scotty.”

 “I’m sure there’s med-bay-inducing unknowns for all of you.”

 Kirk almost slipped out of his chair laughing.

**Y is for Yearly Physical**

 “The captain and Dr. McCoy are missing?” Spock asked.

 “And Mr. Scott has a really bad hangover,” Sulu added from the captain’s chair.

 “And you think I will not take command?”

 “I know you, Mr. Spock. And I know that like me with Chekov, you will go off to personally drag our beloved, med-bay-hating captain to his physical.”

 “…Most astute, Mr. Sulu. You have command.”

**Z is for Zebra**

 “You know, there’s just something about Terran zoos, yes?” Chekov said. “Even if zey are on other vorlds.”

 “We do have an odd amount of diversity on our planet, so you can see why Earth animals are popular,” Sulu agreed.

 “I like zebras. Papa showed them to me once and I thought zey vere ze result of some genetic testing,” Chekov chuckled. “Of course, I vas only six.”

 “I saw some when I was ten. Bunch of them running in a California open park. Looked weird.”

 “And yet zey are not Earth’s weirdest.”

 “Pavel, I have to break this to you, but I’m pretty sure we and our crewmates qualify for that distinction,” Sulu sighed as he caught sight of the captain holding a staring contest with an owl.


	5. You Say Tomato, I Say Damn It Jim!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Enterpriuse crew tends to phrase things a bit differently than other Starfleet crews...and does things well outside of normal as well. Short one, this time.

_“Have you disengaged the external inertia dampener?”_

“Sulu, you left the parking brake on again!”

_“I did not know I was late for a checkup.”_

“Bones, did you just hypo me in the neck?”

_“Synthenol okay since we can’t have alcohol.”_

“Screw this stuff, let’s go raid Scotty’s stash!”

_“Minors can’t even have synthenol.”_

“Vodka was invented in Russia, Keptin!”

_“I need to use the recreational facilities.”_

“Sulu, stop showing off with your sword so other people can work out!”

_“I know Vulcans are logical and therefore do not make emotional decisions.”_

“Damn hobgoblin, you almost killed our way to save Jim with that hissy fit!”

_“Captain, I disagree.”  
_

“Damn it, man!”

_Leaves bridge control to next-highest rank._

May leave bridge control to Russian teenager.

_All senior staff have defined jobs_.

No one knows what Carol and Keenser’s exact job descriptions are.

_“Set phasers on stun.”_

“Sulu, lock phasers.”

 “ _Our captain is currently indisposed.”_

“Sorry, Jim’s gotten himself almost killed again.”

_The communications officer rarely leaves the ship._

 The communications officer will beam down onto moving vehicles to shoot people.

_Rank is respected except in times of extreme circumstances._

You should probably listen to the teenage ensign, he usually knows what he’s talking about.

_The First Officer is to protect the Captain_.

Spock ends up in the med bay whenever Jim doesn’t, for some reason.

_“I think we should wait and look at this more througroughly.”_

“Captain, you are being highly illogical.”

_“I think I can convince you of my point of view_.”

 “See, Uhura agrees with me, Spock.”

_“May I come in?”_

“Jim! What the hell are you doing still in bed! And why didn’t the hobgoblin or CO tell me?”

_The crew takes shore leave as a vacation_.

The crew takes shore leave as another adventure.

_“I do not feel qualified.”_

“Damn it, man, I’m a doctor, not a…whatever that is!”


	6. Dedicated Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened between Kirk waking up in the hospital and the ceremony at the end of Into Darkness? Heck, what happened before they got on the ship at the end? Minor spoilers. Also, how the KSU stuff started. Pure crew-like-a-family fluff ahead!

 James T. Kirk had to give his crew credit. When they put their minds to something, they did it.

 Right now the issue was that they’d put their minds to keeping an eye on him after his only-mostly-dead experience and frankly would not be swayed.

 McCoy he could understand. Bones was just that kind of guy, he would harangue and irritate a patient until he knew the person was well and truly fine. Except there were no precedents for what they’d all just done, and frankly no precedents for Jim’s condition.

 Jim had the sneaking suspicion that what that really meant was that Bones was free to mother-hen to his heart’s content. And the crew, on shore leave until after the memorial, had decided to join in.

 Spock, Uhura, and Chekov flat out did not leave his apartment since getting there after he’d moved home. Jim had slowly been working out his crew’s self-imposed assignments, and he could guess at why those three had yet to go.

 Spock was to make sure Jim adhered to Bones’ rest orders. Unlike the doctor, Spock was fully capable of forcing Jim into bed if need be, and frankly his ‘glare of shaming’ was better than Bones’ was, especially given the circumstances.

 Uhura was handling all calls for Jim, Spock, Chekov, herself, and all paperwork. She had so far assured Jim’s mother ten times that yes, he was alive, and no, Uhura was not sleeping with him. Even Spock seemed a bit close to laughing by the time the fifth of those had rolled around. Jim would have laughed if he hadn’t been so shocked at his mother’s panic.

 Chekov had decided to reveal his inner neat-freak and clean _everything_. His eye had started twitching the second he’d set foot in the messy apartment to wish the captain well and he hadn’t left yet. Thus far he’d vacuumed, cleaned every counter, organized a bookcase, done three loads of laundry, and for some reason destroyed the curtains and hung up spares since Kirk’s were “not salvageable, captain.” He was digging around looking for hidden messes right now.

 “I am still finding clothing,” the ensign complained, clearly shocked that this was so on the fifth day of the vigil.

 “If it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure most of what you’ve found recently isn’t mine,” Kirk said, smirking. Chekov genuinely looked at the lacy whatever it was he was holding in horror before chucking it in the laundry basket with surprising force.

 “Please do not torment the ensign, Jim,” Spock said, still considering his next chess move.

 “Well you three aren’t leaving me with other options. You don’t get annoyed and I know better than to push Uhura,” Kirk replied.

 The communications officer looked pleased as she continued going through the seemingly endless list of reports. “Starfleet wants confirmation that the second hull breach occurred during warp.”

 “We gave them that exact information two days ago,” Spock said, finally moving a knight.

 “They want the confirmation of the head engineer,” she specified.

 “But Mr. Scott was not on board at the time,” Chekov said.

 The other three looked at him.

 “Oh, right! I vas head engineer,” Chekov said. “Sure, I can confirm it…this is a very complex document.”

 “I think this one’s for lawyers,” Uhura said.

 “Poor Chekov. I hate lawyers,” Kirk said, studying the board.

 Uhura tossed another data pad at him and Spock. “Signatures.”

 “For?” Spock asked, picking up the pad when it was clear Kirk wasn’t going to.

 “Mr. Scott is making new regulations regarding the core and what to do if it is out of alignment, requiring specialized suits directly outside of the door to the core in case of emergencies.”

 Spock and Kirk signed instantly.

 “Why are they asking how thick the hull vas? It vas standard thickness,” Chekov said, dumping laundry into the cleaner while still reading. “And I did not have time to measure the breach when it happened! We were at warp and I vas in engineering!”

 “Lawyers,” Kirk repeated, finally moving a rook.

 “What about the blood suckers?” Bones asked, letting himself in. “Good god, tell me you three have slept.”

 “The captain has a surprisingly comfortable sofa,” Chekov replied.

 “We take shifts,” Uhura added.

 “Good. I have enough patients as is,” Bones said, scanning Kirk. “How do you feel?”

 “Bored. And annoyed that Spock just checked me,” Kirk grumbled.

 “You are to technically wait until I have announced check,” Spock noted. “I take from your comments that you dislike lawyers, doctor?”

 “Only when they’re the ‘legislate it all so our asses are covered’ sort,” Bones said. “And going by Chekov’s face, that’s what you’re dealing with.

 “I am starting to think that whoever wrote this has never seen a star ship in their life,” Chekov admitted. Uhura leaned over to scan the document and looked mildly horrified by it.

 “Blood pressure’s still low,” Bones noted, looking at the scan results. “Immune system’s a bit under too.”

 “I hate you all,” Kirk huffed, finally moving a bishop.

 “Melodrama is not conducive to recovery, Jim,” Spock noted. “Check.”

 “I think he’s just mad Sulu hasn’t been by for a bit,” Uhura said. “Seeing as how he was willing to discuss piloting the Enterprise and other stuff Kirk likes for as long as Kirk’s awake.”

 “Hey, what he does with his time is his business,” Kirk replied.

 “Sulu caught a small cold. With Jim’s immune system a bit low I told him to stay home,” Bones said.

 “A-ha!” Kirk said, getting out of check. “Now who’s checked?”

 “Me,” Spock noted calmly, studying the board.

 “How’s our girl?” Kirk asked Bones.

 “Scotty swears he’ll have your beloved ship ready in time to be considered for the five year mission,” Bones sighed. “For the record, I hope we lose that one.”

 “If you dislike space so much, why Starfleet?” Uhura asked.

 “Oh, that’s a fun one,” Kirk snickered. “For the record, it’s why I call him Bones.”

 Before he could say anything else, McCoy made the decision that Kirk had in fact not been sleeping enough and tranquilized him.

.o.o.o.

 “It’s been a week!” Kirk complained.

 “You were dead for several hours and in a coma for two weeks. Suck it up,” Uhura instructed.

 “You have a mean girlfriend,” Kirk told Spock.

 “Uhura is correct, captain. Frankly I think your recovery would be aided by you ceasing your constant escape attempts.”

 “If he goes for the window again Chekov and I voted for putting temporary bars on it,” Carol said.

 “Thank you, doctor,” Kirk said dryly.

 “Mr. Sulu wanted _electric_ bars,” Carol replied. Sulu didn’t even bother to look ashamed of himself.

 “That would be counterintuitive, at best,” Spock said.

 “Which is why you talked me out of it, Mr. Spock,” Sulu said.

 “Thanks,” Kirk said to Spock. “And, guys? I still think playing poker means you’re getting desperate.”

 “Somebody has a bad hand,” Uhura said, smirking.

 “Is that a challenge?” Kirk asked.

 “I’m still trying to figure out who bluffs better, the Vulcan or the diplomatic expert,” Carol said.

 “If we go by chips, then it’s Uhura,” Chekov said. “Be careful, Captain.”

 “…Twenty chips!” Sulu announced.

 “Oh god, is he bluffing?” Carol groaned.

 “Knowledge of whether or not he was would defeat the purpose of the inherent gamble,” Spock noted.

 “He doesn’t know,” Kirk said.

 “That is not what I said,” Spock argued.

 “Any takers?” Sulu asked smugly.

 “…He’s got to be bluffing,” Chekov decided. “See, and raise you to twenty-five.”

 “I’ll see that,” Uhura said.

 “Raise you to thirty,” Sulu said.

 “This should be good,” Carol said. “Captain, don’t even _try_. We’re not _that_ distracted.”

 Kirk swung his legs back in bed. “You lot are impossible.”

 “I wonder where we get it,” Sulu said.

.o.o.o.

 “Congratulations, Jim, you have survived the ordeal of us mother-henning you and are in top condition,” McCoy said. “Therefore I can inform you that yes, we will be celebrating.”

 “Good bar a short bit from here, naturally something you knew when you got the place,” Scotty said.  “Mr. Spock and Chekov have agreed to be the designated drivers.”

 “Well, Spock agreed, Chekov just knows he can’t drink in public without damaging the reputation of Starfleet as giving alcohol to minors. Like half the Federation doesn’t already, these days,” McCoy groused.

 “You had me at alcohol,” Kirk said, glad to stretch his legs. “Have we figured out where we’re putting Carol?”

 “Dr. Marius has requested  to be the main link between medical and engineering,” Scotty said. “You know, seeing as how my subordinates love injuring themselves and McCoy’s can’t seem to handle weapons well.”

 “Marius?” Kirk asked.

 “Would you be able to call her Dr. Marcus with a straight face?” McCoy asked.

 “Would anyone onboard not named Spock be able to?” Kirk shot back. McCoy nodded in apparent agreement. “Hey, Scotty, where’s Keenser?”

 “Oh, he’s helping Chekov and Sulu settle a bet. Something about cultural foods and who can stand what,” Scotty said. “I bet on Keenser winning. Stomach of iron, if you can believe it.”

.o.o.o.

 “Okay, if that bass isn’t turned down soon, I’m taking Ensign Chekov on a sabotage mission,” McCoy huffed.

 “Why me?” Chekov asked, idly stirring his virgin tonic. “Make Keenser do it.”

 Keenser kicked him under the table, happily sipping something that smelled like it was burnt, oddly enough.

 “Because other than Spock you’re the likeliest to have steady hands right now and I doubt he’s going to get any closer to those speakers without it being life and death,” McCoy said. “And Keenser has done a duty today anyway. Heard he ate a tablespoon of wasabi. And, again, Spock clearly won’t go near the things.”

 “I would prefer to keep my distance,” Spock agreed before returning to his discussion on recent dilithium breakthroughs with Scotty and Carol.

 “How’s the leg?” Uhura asked.

 “Fine, still a bit swollen. Little tender, nothing big,” Carol said. “Just glad we kept the injuries…somewhat…minimum.”

 “I consider only-mostly-dead minimum,” Kirk agreed.

 “Jim, if you even try something like that again no one at this table will forgive you,” McCoy warned, signaling a bartender for more whiskey.

 “Yeah, no, if it saves the rest of you, I’ll pull it,” Kirk said.

 “Sweet, but we’re going to make sure that doesn’t happen, right Mr. Scott?” Sulu asked.

 “Damn straight!” Scotty agreed. “Why there weren’t procedures for fixing that kind of thing safely before I’ll never know. But we have them now!”

 “How about we all agree not to endanger ourselves until we find out about the five year mission?” Uhura offered. “And try to not endanger ourselves for as long as possible afterwards?”

 “There’s those diplomatic skills,” Kirk said. “I kind of think you almost had those Klingons, you know.”

 “Had Khan not interrupted I still would have had some chance to get them on our side, even with the choking attempt,” Uhura agreed. “Still, I’ve brushed up on my Klingon since then. I think I wasn’t using the right tenses to stress urgency at some points…”

 “You know…we never really debriefed on the mission,” Scotty said.

 Everyone at the table glanced at each other.

 “Come on, Chekov, sabotage,” McCoy decided, dragging the ensign off.

 “Don’t you dare,” Kirk told Spock.

 “Mr. Scott raises a good point,” Spock admitted. “Though the totality of the debriefing would simply be that despite our losses and near-losses Khan was recaptured and returned to where he should be and we all are on shore leave until after the memorial.”

 “Thank you for your succinctness,” Kirk said.

 “I’m actually a bit impressed you can say that word when drunk,” Uhura noted.

 “It’s my third beer, I am not drunk!” Kirk argued.

 “Lad, almost all of us are,” Scotty said.

 While Spock did not verbally agree, Kirk saw the commander’s hand ghost over the pocket where he had everyone’s confiscated keys and a rather obvious expression of relief upon doing so.

.o.o.o.

 “I think you two just need to move in for a bit at this point,” Kirk said as he, Spock, and Uhura sorted through the paperwork detailing the discovery of the Vengeance, the attack at warp, and Admiral Marcus in general. “I mean, you get here by breakfast and don’t leave until after dinner. Just bunk here for a while. You know, until the paperwork flood stops.”

 Uhura seemed to consider it, still locating all the places signatures and initials were needed from Kirk and Spock. She glanced at Spock, clearly looking for input.

 “It would be logical, as it would waste less fuel,” Spock said. “And as fuel is rather important to a reeling city at the moment that is likely even more logical to do.”

 Uhura handed him her apartment keys, “You know what to pack.”

 Spock left and retrieved his and Uhura’s belongings , but upon his return found her and Kirk arguing. Loudly.

 “You’re the lady, I have to let you take my room! It’s just hospitality!”

 “It’s your house and the couch is fine!” Uhura replied. “Spock, talk sense into him! He was in a coma recently!”

 “It’s been two weeks!”

 “Which is also how long you were in the coma!”

 “Captain, I frankly think you should let this go. Uhura has on occasion demonstrated an ability to argue for several hours, in which case none of us will get any sleep, which at this point even I require.”

 Kirk huffed, “Fine…wait, where are you sleeping?”

 “I had assumed the floor…but by the looks you are both giving me I take it I will not be allowed to,” Spock backtracked.

 “I think the older couple down the hall have a portable cot. One second,” Kirk said, heading out.

 “Do you both really object that much?” Spock asked. “It is simply sleeping on a floor, after all.”

 “Spock, don’t get me started. I still feel like arguing with someone,” Uhura sighed.

.o.o.o.

 It was the morning of the memorial and only Spock was even close to ready. The only reason he wasn’t ready was because Kirk had accidentally gotten the Commander’s dress uniform’s jacket wrinkled and naturally the Vulcan was going to iron it.

 Uhura and Kirk had been vying for mirror space for the last fifteen minutes, both casually cursing Spock for having such manageable hair in comparison to Uhura’s uncooperative bun and Kirk’s bedhead. Uhura finally got her own hair to where it looked fine with her cap on and she left Kirk to his frustration.

 She gave Spock a quick kiss while getting on her dress shoes and jacket when the door buzzed. Uhura went to get it, since Spock would of course deem having on slacks and an undershirt too underdressed to answer a door. 

 “Hello?” she asked, her mind coming a blank at the woman outside. She really hadn’t gotten enough sleep lately, she knew she should know who-

 “Are you a…friend of my son’s?” the woman asked.

 “C-commander Kirk!” Uhura said, realize she was looking at her captain’s mother one second too late. God she need coffee. “Ah, yes, we’re…friends. No, no, not that kind of friend!” And it took her a moment too long to realize what Wionna Kirk was implying. Great.

 “Mom?” Oh thank goodness, Spock had sense and had gotten Kirk. “What are you doing here?”

 Uhura stepped back and busied herself with helping Spock put up the iron and board. Both sensed that something wasn’t quite right when that was what a son asked his mother who’d been emailing incessantly since he’d been hospitalized.

 “I wanted to see you, you know, before the ceremony,” Wionna said.

 “Oh, um, thanks,” Kirk said. “For coming, I mean.”

 “Yes, well, I hadn’t heard from you, just a friend relaying that you were all right.”

 “That was Uhura,” Kirk said, nodding at her stiffly as he let his mother in. Spock had somehow gotten the rest of his dress uniform on when no one was looking, but he seemed puzzled and was looking around.

 “Something wrong, Spock?” Kirk asked, clearly glad for a distraction.

 “Is something…burning?” the Vulcan asked slowly.

 Kirk looked around, “Oh shit!”

 Uhura followed him as he reached the kitchen and frantically ran his dress hat under the tap. “You left your hat on the coffeemaker?”

 “I needed coffee this morning okay?”

 “Not okay, you can’t wear that! Spock, he can’t wear that!” Uhura said, pointing at the quite obviously charred hat.

 “He cannot. Though the captain has shown a preference to remove his hat at the first opportunity more than a dozen times, so hopefully it will be taken as simply a personal quirk,” Spock said.

 “So, you must be Commander Spock,” Wionna said, clearly grasping for something to say.

 “Yes,” Spock agreed.

 “Where’s Bones anyway, I thought he was driving?” Kirk complained, saving Spock from having to make an attempt at small talk.

.o.o.o.

 The ceremony went very well, all things considered. Carol was obviously gleeful to have her cast off, no one questioned Kirk’s lack of a hat, and this was the first awards ceremony where Keenser was actually with the crew when they received their commendations.

 “Don’t let him get too drunk,” McCoy told Spock as things were breaking up.

 “Excuse me?” the Vulcan asked quizzically, unsure as to whom the doctor was referring to and why.

 “Jim. You and Uhura seem to have taken up babysitting, so listen up. He’s not going to be feeling great after having to talk about Pike to this many people. Don’t let him get to drunk. He was dead less than a month ago.”

 “Coma,” Uhura corrected as she walked up.

 “Just watch his alcohol intake,” McCoy said.

 “We’re…babysitting?” Uhura asked quietly as McCoy headed off, presumably to get very drunk himself.

 “I believe the more correct term would be…cohabitating. For Jims own good, of course.”

 “Well, yeah. It’s not like he’s at all proven he can take care of himself,” Uhura said, nodding.

 “Quite the opposite, actually.”

 “Right,” she said. “…Stay unless he explicitly kicks us out?”

 “Precisely,” Spock said as Jim continued talking to his mother, looking more uncomfortable by the moment. “And perhaps extract him before too much alcohol becomes necessary.”

 “Hell yes.”

.o.o.o.

 “…Did you move in with me?” Kirk asked.

 “Illogical,” Spock said.

 “If we’re moving anywhere, we should pick Spock’s place. It’s bigger,” Uhura agreed.

 “Not what I meant and you know it,” Kirk said.

 “Well, as we frankly have not brought all of our belongings over, moving in is clearly not the correct phrase-”

 “Jim, do you want us to leave?” Uhura cut in.

 “No…don’t you want to leave? We finished the paperwork a few days ago,” Kirk said.

 “No,” Uhura and Spock said bluntly, Uhura having the sense to look a bit flustered.

 Kirk nodded, and looked at Uhura, “Well, if Spock’s place is bigger, what the heck are we doing here? Hell, Uhura, why are you and I even paying rent?”

.o.o.o.

 “Jim, I can’t believe you actually fit all your stuff into one trunk,” Uhura said. “I mean, I needed way more than-”

 “You actually own furniture. I just have clothes and stuff. Pretty much all I’d take on board, really. And speaking of furniture, Spock, this is the best couch ever!”

 “I am pleased you approve of my home’s fixtures, Jim,” Spock said, giving them an expression that on a human would include serious eye-rolling.

 “So, you guys think we’ll get the five year mission?” Jim asked.

 “They’d face media backlash if they didn’t,” Uhura said. “Also, they’re probably worried we’ll all tell the truth about Khan.”

 “How’s our favorite Vulcan going to handle that, anyway?” Jim asked, propping himself up on is elbows in a way Uhura prayed wasn’t as intentionally suggestive as it looked.

 “John Harrison’s punishment was met,” Spock said flatly. “I need not elaborate that the punishment was being cryogenically frozen and the reason for that punishment was his identity as a dictator from three hundred years in the past.”

 “Sweet,” Jim said. “…If we’re moving in together,. Do I get to use your first name?”

 “…Sparingly,” Uhura agreed.

 “Got it, Nyota. Hey, Nyota, where do you want to order dinner from?”

 Spock glanced between the two, smiling slightly at the fond animosity filling the air, “Fascinating.”

.o.o.o.

 Kirk settledin between Spock and Uhura on the transport.

 McCoy grinned, “Thank god. Thought I was going to have to lock you all in a closet once we were onboard or something.”

 “But since you didn’t, I win,” Carol said sweetly.

 “Yes, yes, Dr. Marius,” McCoy said. “I-O-U.”

 “Now make sure you abuse that, doc,” Jim told Carol, grinning.

 “Five years in space with you lunatics,” McCoy growled.

 “Do you not share in the idea that it will be a most fulfilling experience, doctor?”

 Uhura glanced at Spock, who was perfectly straight-faced, barely stifling her giggles. Jim’s snickers overrode them, as did Chekov and Sulu’s guffaws.

 “Don’t get smug on me, hobgoblin. I never got a physical after you decided to go chases a super soldier through LA…”


End file.
